Monday, May 4, 2009

A workout? Really?

A "workout" is a run that's over three miles. A "workout" is bench pressing your weight and then talking about it to the other guys in the gym while you drink water from the fountain and towel off your face. A "workout" is playing a full 48 minute game on the basketball court.

When engaging in a "workout" you should never hear the following words out loud:

  • Peacock Pose

  • Dolphin Plank Pose

  • Firefly Pose

  • Cow Face Pose

  • Lotus Pose

  • Feathered Peacock Pose

  • ______ Pose (unless you see Arnold Schwarzenegger in the gym and you command him to pose by saying "Arnold Schwarzenegger Pose!")

"Crane" was not included in this list because I think Karate is badass.

Only beautiful if you haven't seen The Karate Kid...

This is a beautiful scene... except I saw it when I was a kid in my living room watching the Karate Kid and eating cheetos.

If I have to hear about bikram yoga one more time...

What does Bikram yoga teach you that you can't learn from reading Dante's Inferno?

This is part of wikipedia's definition of Bikram Yoga:

"Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F (40.5°C) with a humidity of 40%. Classes are guided by specific dialogue including 26 postures and two breathing exercises. Classes last approximately 90 minutes."

Who willingly puts themselves through that?! Why do people do that and then talk about how great they feel. I guess if I walked into hell, only heard 26 things, and 90 minutes later walked out, I'd feel pretty damn good too. But you know what? I'd never go back. If I ate at a restaurant that gave me explosive diarrhea but after I got it all out I felt better than when I was curled up in a ball of pain and anxiety, I WOULD NOT GO BACK! There are already numerous Indian restaurants on 6th street in the Lower East Side that hold that honor...

But I digress.

Bikram Yoga is essentially moving to Atlanta, GA in the middle of a heat wave in the summer and deciding that for 90 minutes I'd make my body look like a pregnant calf outside on the sidewalk.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

The title says it all

What can I learn from Yoga that I can't learn from real life? No, seriously, this is a serious question... what am I ever possibly going to learn while sweating profusely all over my mat while some dude at the front of the class tells me that I'm a sleeping dog.

I'm educated. I'm an educated person. I like to read, I like to follow the news, I like to make literary allusions and explain things to people with metaphors. But what I don't like to do is feel horribly uncomfortable and dehydrated, and then listen to other people after a good yoga "workout" (we'll address this later) talk about how it's changed their lives and they now understand relaxation.

Hey man, I fucking invented relaxation. And I hate to admit it but sometimes I like to listen to Jimmy Buffet while drinking a margarita. If that's not relaxation, than what is?

So I beg the question, and will try to answer it with this blog... what can I learn from yoga that I can't learn from real life? I'm open to any possible answers that I will then shoot down.